Wings to Fly

I hate writing so I am breaking it down to out what I am going to say in this blog. Lately I have so many issues. 1) Huge impacted from the previous job and afraid of repeating. Will pray to let fate say I can keep my current job and keep progressing in learning the materials. I just pray that my two supervisors won't give me a hard time. It freaks me out that when those two supervisors and the other big bosses get together and talk, it makes me think that I am the subject whom they are talking about. That's because they always appeared wherever I am at. Please... let me keep this job until I am ready to move on to the next door. I am not ready to move on. Keep me safe and sound. 2. My health is improving day by day but because it's summer time, it is so difficult to maintain of what I consume day by day. Each day of exercise, let it be progressing and eventually i can transform from a fat pig to a healthy pretty witty smart young lady. Praying that mom won't get close to being diabetic. 3 Since paternal grandma was ill, she was sent to the E.R. then transfer over to the rehab for recovery. Grandma and both aunts made a big fuzz over the littlest things ever. Grandma accused the entire Huang family that we are letting her die alone. I'm not sure if her oldness has turn her brain into a child. C'mon , no one in the family wants her to die, all we want is decide what's best for her to recover in a suitable environment. Sometimes this grandma thinks a bit too much and makes the entire family going against other. I wish this will stop with the terrible rumor and whining. It was a crisis! I hate this rumor spreading and blackmailing everyone besides them. Oh, stop it! I cried so much. 4. Sometimes I think a bit too much. I think I need professional help. I want to see a psychologist. I overly think of possible scenarios, things that I see in my dream but afraid of facing it in reality. I, sometimes collapsed and cried in the unclear setting. I hate and can't handle the moment of darkness. I wish people can be nicer to me. I want to have power to control of the things I am unable to. Help me! Pull me out of the darkness. I am terrified to be alone. I want to hug my teddy bear. Dream VS Reality. Dream feels so real but it's an illusion. I rather be in the dream world than the reality. I don't have the guidelines to surviving in the reality world. I been through ups and downs, riding the roller coaster. There are times when I can reach up high and other times I fall straight flat to the ground. I asked and wondered to myself, why is my life scripted the way it is? Can it be as what my friend have said once to me, to prepare and a learns on survival kit of having the taste of sweet, bitter, sour, spicy(hot). Life can be so harsh. People abuse this peaceful world that god has created. People, illness, money, and time are the things I am most terrified. I can never control time or have enough satisfaction in life of pleasing myself. What is it that I still need to complete this perfection? I wish life can be simple.